Holy

I keep a journal where I usually write down manifestations. Today, something unexpected happened: I felt inspired and started writing without judging it, and something very strong emerged — a desire to be able to hold a state of consciousness similar to what is described in connection with Jesus Christ (Christ Consciousness). Previously, I wrote self-affirmations about my ability to take the course I am currently subscribed to, about raising my vibration, becoming more compassionate, and keeping my intentions aligned with the highest good of all. But now, it feels like these words carry more weight than what I would normally write about myself.

Once I heard a priest say, "There are so many bad things in the world nowadays, it's so easy to become a saint. Nobody wants to be a saint. So just ask for it, and they will make you a saint." Hearing that stayed with me, and today, looking at what I wrote, it feels like something in me is responding to that call.

We are now practicing with classmates, and our experiences are becoming increasingly prominent and interesting.

Deep Work

We learned a new technique on Wednesday, and I received a session right after the demonstration. I wanted and needed to because I had been aware of an issue for almost three weeks. My classmate did a wonderful job, and I am grateful for her taking my request so quickly.

To gain a better understanding, I asked her to track my issue first, since I couldn't figure out what was happening on my own. Her tracking was incredibly accurate; she saw parts of me that no one else ever had, and her insights helped me connect the dots. When she shared what she saw, I couldn't stop crying. It was partly because of her amazing gifts, but also because being seen so deeply touched my soul. It's a truly special feeling. I'm in awe of this work.

After the session, I could finally see the gifts hidden in my issue. That night, I fell asleep listening to St. Finnikin – I'm Free on repeat.

The next morning, as I thought about it again, I felt calm, peaceful, and almost blissful. But I also cried for half the day, grieving as if I'd lost a part of myself that had been with me since childhood. Even now, writing this, I'm still in tears. It feels like I've been crying for days, even when I'm not.

I still need some time to decipher this work. It's something unlike anything I've ever felt before.

Divine Gift

I've always been a little scared of losing my mind — my knowledge, my sharpness, my logic. Because, honestly, the health and abilities of our mind — like everything on this Earth — aren't guaranteed or permanent. They can change at any time. My grandmother passed away with dementia, and even as a kid, I noticed her sometimes odd speech and behavior. According to the doctors, it was lifestyle-related, not hereditary — but still, deep down I've always feared losing what matters most to me: my mind's health.

After the deep work, I lost my sense of tracking. I tried my usual practice from last year, in which I "track" GPS coordinates and try to receive location information. But all of this seemed to disappear after the deep work session. I felt completely disconnected and disoriented, which I suspected might be temporary, but still, it was very unsettling and scary. I started panicking that I would not be able to finish the course without my skills.

Over these nine days, after the initial panic, I began to really understand — not just suspect it, but truly get it — that this ability is not "my" knowledge. It's truly a divine gift. Two nights ago, I began praying, asking God, my helpers, and our ancestors to guide me back to this gift.

Yesterday I had two tracking rounds. The first one was an epic fail, but the second — miraculously — brought several real hits. And funny enough, the target was Machu Picchu. I take it as a beautiful synchronicity that, after understanding and respect for this gift, my gift reawakened while tracking a Peruvian point and while in a course based on Andean traditions.

Many classmates supported me during these nine days, for which I am forever grateful. I've also decided with whom I want to do the upcoming Ancestral Constellation work — the women of my lineage. And meanwhile, I keep receiving their gifts: love for God (Source), clear-mindedness, steadiness, perseverance, and spiritual openness — just to name a few that I carry forward with gratitude and grace.

And yes, there's a track I was guided towards that helped me bring all this into being: St Finnikin – Gifted.

A Spirit Animal

We are learning deep tracking now, and we acquired a new spirit animal. Mine is insanely huge and grey. I feel in my bones that I am about to track something highly significant, and it scares me!

A Threshold into the Sacred

During class practice, our assignment was to track specific energetic deviations, a method I was still unfamiliar with because I had fallen slightly behind in the lectures. My "client", whom I met for the first time, shared that they experienced physical pain due to ongoing medical conditions, and my task was to find the root cause of their discomfort intuitively. I recall entering the tracking session feeling quite nervous and uncertain. Initially, there was no information. I was eager to help and receive some insight, so I called on my spirit animal to help guide me. At that moment, a distinct image emerged: I saw a greyish male figure in the distance with a tube in his mouth, appearing as though he was attached to a ventilator. Subtle bluish pulses of color flickered through his form, giving the impression that he was breathing. However, the overall scene felt still, as though time had crystallized or frozen within a void, and infinite darkness surrounded him. To clarify the vision's meaning, I asked internally, "Who is this? Who am I seeing?" The answer that surfaced was: "It's the father, the father, the father." While I did not immediately grasp its significance, the emotional weight became apparent — I sensed a deep resonance with disappointment and sadness that reverberated through me with remarkable force. This emotional current led me to question its connection to me by asking, "Is this the same between my own father and me?" My entire body began to shake uncontrollably in response. I attempted to shift my awareness between the levels, and I did not perceive a significant shift — perhaps only a very subtle one — which worries me.

After the exercise, my client shared with us that their father took their own life many years ago. This deeply shocked me, and suddenly I understood everything.

Although, the image I got was a bit horrific, this feels like the most sacred thing I've ever witnessed, especially in light of the truth.

So far, I have never gone beyond a personal field, and I have never received such a strong confirmation of what I found in my tracking. I feel this experience wasn't symbolic, but a genuine, energetic reality.

My body keeps trembling.

(I received consent from the client to publish this story.)

To Bear the Light

My body kept shaking today, and it felt like my nervous system was fried, like it was about to jump out of my body — not ideal for office work.

Luckily, I already had a session booked for the evening, and I asked for a 'fight or flight response reset'. The shaman who worked on me was amazing, very gentle, and as she was clearing my field, my body kept having small nerve contractions, always in different places (thigh, chest, belly, back). It went on for more than an hour, until I could finally settle down. As she was finishing the session, all those tiny electrical impulses left my body completely.

When I finally started to come out of the shock, I realized why this tracking shook me to my core: I carry the same feelings toward my parent — feelings I had buried so deep that I had almost forgotten about them — even though our stories are different. When the session ended, I burst into ugly crying because of the huge release she guided me through with such wisdom, patience, gentleness, care, and beauty. I can never be grateful enough for her. I'm still in awe of how gifted she is.

After the session, I did a little research to find out what those small contractions were and learned that they were neuromuscular discharges, which can happen when deeply layered trauma is released, and probably my body closed that trauma stream during this session. I also found that this is often related to the feeling that "I'm not safe if the parent isn't there — or if the parent rejects me." And I immediately remembered the first time I felt like this — I must have been around four or five.

Now I can see so clearly how this experience helped me heal in such a beautiful way, and I truly understand why it's so important to work on ourselves, to be able to arrive in a clean state, especially if we want to work as practitioners. I'm also starting to see why my spirit animal looks colossal. I have to learn to bear the light — the kind that reveals every shadow.

During the evening, in my sleep, my sacred objects appeared — all three of my rattles — and I used them for opening sacred space.

Seeking Guidance

I sent my teacher a few professional and ethical questions privately about what I perceived in my tracking. She told me she would like to take this question to the teachers' circle. Sounds really serious. I also wonder if this was really the father or a "field memory".

I am seriously looking for guidance because I know this is a moment where I should be able to help a soul on their way home, but we are not at that part in the training yet. I am terrified to do any interventions, because I am terrified by doing so, I will lose the father in the vast darkness, and I will not be able to find him later, when we arrive at the part, they teach how to help in this specific case, the best way possible. I feel responsible for both my client and their father!

Shattered

I'm still integrating this whole experience, but I am deeply humbled that the Great Spirit showed me something like this. I still don't understand why I was given such a big task so early on — it was my very first attempt at deep tracking. This experience was such a clear confirmation that I can see — and that realization is profoundly humbling. I feel emotionally shattered, in both a sad and a beautiful way.

I keep praying for the best solution and divine intervention.

Ancestral Work

I just did the ancestral constellation by myself yesterday. It was "exciting" to be 4 person at a time (client, practitioner, myself, great-/grandparents). I cried all along; it was very intense. I wanted to do it alone, in my native language. Turned out to be unexpectedly revealing and beautiful. I have been crying for almost a week now… I can't wait to get to the next chapter in lectures; hopefully, it will be much lighter.

Something magical also happened: I dreamed that we planned a hike with my mother, and we did it: we hiked to a mountain top, and we had a long discussion on the trail.

In the evening, I had a meeting with my client. As I had proposed before, they did the ancestral constellation work for their father, and they perceived him appearing in a greyish-blueish color. Since I hadn't shared my own tracking experience with them in full detail, I was surprised by the similarity in imagery. It left me in a state of awe and curiosity. I found myself wondering afterward whether something like energetic resonance or prayer could have played a role in what unfolded.

Sacred Dreams

I just remembered that years ago, I dreamt of a drunk couple lying on railway tracks during the night. I was above them, seeing them, and at the same time inside them — hearing their thoughts and feeling their emotions. When I woke up, I felt heavy and very saddened. Later, I found a news article describing exactly what I had seen — even mentioning the bottle of alcohol. It had happened that very night, just a few kilometers away from my house.

Once I dreamt that I was a deer, freely leaping through the forest — pure, alive, present.

I believe these are moments we fly wing-to-wing with the Great Spirit.

In those moments, I was with Great Spirit — and I feel that's why these dreams came: to remind me of the path I'm meant to walk, long before I even knew I would one day learn about shamanism.

My heart is tingling!

Working with Stones

We received a task to practice, during which we initiated three of our stones. One of them will be our "infinity" stone. The goal of the task was to shed our roles. I went through my roles very rapidly and joyfully. At first glance, the process looked very overwhelming. Actually, this process was very liberating and revealing. I tracked all my roles, which would lead me to the same end.

A Childhood Memory

My teachers sent me an answer to my questions, but it raised even more questions for me, so I asked, but I have not received an answer yet.

In the meantime, I had a dream last night in which my teacher explained my experience to me in more detail, and how I was able to step into it, which totally makes sense now, although there is no such thing in the lectures.

Also… I just remembered that when I was a little child, I had an XXL silver-grey (snow?) leopard soft toy, which was a Christmas present from my maternal grandmother.

And now… I actually have even more questions!

Shamanic Journey

In the morning, I had a discussion with one of my classmates about the levels we use in our tracking and the whole practice, and I realized there is something I do not fully understand yet: what exactly is the "mythical" level?

Early afternoon, I was taking notes on the shamanic journeying lecture. In the middle of it, I felt a strong calling to hold my labradorite stone — and under the lamp light, I discovered an infinity symbol inside it! After some breath practice, I went very deep into the alpha state and felt pulled into shamanic journeying. I put on a shamanic journey music, holding my labradorite and my infinity stone in my hand.

I thought it would be 'fun' to try to track my energy body, and I started. First, I tried to see myself on the "physical" level, seeing some density here and there. Then, at the "emotional" level, I entered the space. First, I saw an egg — cracked open at the upper quarter tier, just a finger wide. Then a book appeared, filled with writing (a silver book?). I pushed it aside and asked for a new one — and a new book appeared, and I was like "What should I write in it?" and I had no idea, so I asked God to write in — without a second thought —, and the book started to be written (the energy was swift and merciless, in an unexpected way). I could not read it, but all I could grasp was DEATH. I felt my body twitch a little on the chair, but I stayed — I felt I was just drifting with everything. Then my Vogel crystal appeared, pointing toward my third eye… and it felt as if I were lying in some indigenous ceremony. They came to check, trying to open my eyes to see if I was sleeping, and they were certain I was awake. Around me, they danced and played native music with drums and rattles — then I realized I was lying next to a bonfire on the ground. Then suddenly, they gently lifted me — at this point, I got a bit concerned and intimidated, but I let myself flow with it — and placed me into the fire. And then… I became the fire. They kept dancing and warming their hands by the flames. When the fire went out, I became smoke — then I became Spirit, moving in and out of them. Then, suddenly, back at "mythical" level, I was back in my chair, and my body looked and felt like a white bonfire on it. Then I went to the "energy" level and released it all. Afterward, I lay down on the floor a bit with my labradorite on my third eye, still holding my infinity stone. Many images came to me — I was traveling back — and on the "emotional" level, my thigh twitched at some of them: I identified a few more things to work on later, I guess. Then I went outside to smoke tobacco for some grounding. It was raining extraordinarily softly, like never before. I looked up at the sky and noticed a very gentle, familiar, fine resonance — like when a male choir or Buddhist monks hum, but not in a deep tone — more like an ethereal vibration: MMMMM or OMMMMM. My shamanic drum has a somewhat similar resonance at times. It lasted around 3-4 minutes as I stood in wonder, guessing what it was: angels, or was someone in the house playing some kind of music? Just then, a bird flew up from behind me, over my head, and dropped one single white feather — it spun slowly down to the ground, tracing figure eights in the air, and my jaw floored. I tried to draw it in from the balcony, and it started slowly drifting closer — as if thinking in the air for a little while, once, then twice… I was in awe and disbelief… then it stopped, refusing to come any nearer. So I ran downstairs quickly — and while running downstairs, the humming sound was still going on, but much quieter… and it was not coming from any neighbor; it was coming from everywhere — I picked up the feather and placed it on my altar, and I burst into tears.

Now I also understand that when shamans work, it happens on the "mythical" level, within the mythical — the closest to God on the earthly plane.

What should I do with this labradorite stone? When the course started, I carefully curated the stones I wanted to initiate during the training, and I did not choose this, because it's quite big. But now, it definitely seems like I have two infinity stones!

In the evening, I was receiving a session. It was the first time I felt so small inside the beautiful, sacred, safe space the practitioner held me within. I felt as if I were speaking directly with God. Just before closing the session, a childhood memory emerged: visiting my grandparents on Christmas Eve. I remember the darkness was filled with that soft, sacred stillness, which I now recognize as the Holy Spirit dwelling in everything.

As I document this, I feel pressure to publish my experience, but the time is not right yet. I realized that I already had a few previously documented experiences, and I started to merge them into a Shamanic Journal, just recording my daily outer and inner landscapes during the course, which now feels like starting a book.

It's 2:34 a.m., and I can't sleep… I'm scrolling through social media… and…Oh, Lord! My fluffy cat just stared into my eyes from the other side of the planet…Landed on my For You page and was captured on camera just 8 hours ago!

The Feather

Today I did not leave the house as I spent my morning with a tummy ache, intense sweating, and heavy contractions in the fetal position. I tried breathing exercises and knew I needed something warm to drink, but I did not have the strength to get up. After 2 hours, I could. My brain was on fire the whole day (not a headache, something I have never felt before), and my whole body kept trembling. I was terrified that I had a spiritual psychosis, and then I felt shame for my disbelief and for thinking this. Later, I was shifting between intense joy, tears, and bursts of insane energy. I also laughed at myself a lot. Thoughts came, and I laughed so hard because I could differentiate what was coming from my ego, and it was just ridiculous. I bet if I told it to a psychologist, they would say I got dissociated with myself or have a split personality.

Did I get any better than anyone else? No.

Did I get supernatural abilities? Certainly, no.

Did I get enlightened? I don't think so — I was not even coming out of the egg.

But I am pretty sure that 99.9999999999% of the time, when I step out and look up at the sky, there is no white feather falling, tracing a figure eight.

I needed to postpone the session I promised to my other classmate. I told them I wasn't ready to give a session. My classmate drew a card for me: Thunderbird.

Song from the Sky

Today I opened my door and stepped outside because I needed to do the grocery shopping. As I looked up to the sky, suddenly a heart-shaped cloud appeared. I ran back quickly for my phone to take a picture, and I accidentally hit the online radio app — looks like I am behaving like an old lady — and instead of opening my camera, 'Zac Williams - Looking for you' was playing at maximum volume… and the whole device froze — I couldn't turn it off, couldn't lower the volume, nothing. Again, I felt it was too overwhelming, and I had to ask God to step back and leave me some space to integrate. Literally, it felt like love bombing.

Electric Blue

Two classmates tracked me — we continued our practice from the last breakout room session, as we are learning different tracking methods, and now the circle was completed by them tracking me. I only told them I've been a little stressed lately. One of them told me my nervous system looks like it's lit up blue, like too much electricity, and so on. The other said I should let go of my reluctance and step into oneness with God (:::COLD_SWEAT:::).

Yes, of course, I told them how brilliant they are and that their connection is unmatched.

Heart Bursting Open

I pray my thoughts and vision become clear, and not so noisy. My heart feels as if it's bursting with infinite speed — not easy to endure.

I still doubt whether I'll be able to finish the course; journeying for someone else feels far from easy at first.

Since my own journey, I've given a session, and my client hasn't gotten any better. I feel this is God's way of keeping my ego in check — just in case it would try to flare up. Maybe also a way to buy time, so the client's faith can anchor even more. After all, God waited years for me to witness something, so I could finally and irrevocably grasp our connection. Without that sacred bond — the one beyond time and space — I could have never perceived it.

Silent Room

Maybe my Shamanic Journey has something to do with what I wrote in my blue-colored (!) journal back in September? I had no clue what this would look like in daily life. This love, which now presses on me from above and bursts from my heart with infinite speed, terrifies me. I just can't hold this. It's like trying to edit an 8K video on an old laptop: the machine technically handles it, but you can hear the fan begging for its life.

I think what happened was kind of a destiny retrieval, but I was just participating in the journey; I did not do it. I tracked all my roles, leading me to die alone as an old lady, and I found that too funny. I am afraid the book I pushed aside was a golden book. Do you think that when I wrote yesterday that I'm not sure I'll be able to finish the course, it implies that I sense I might cross over before that? I don't know. I just felt too small for such an enormous curriculum we have to digest during the course. I am aware that I could fall out of the state I'm in now, but there's also a chance, at any moment, that my heart stops beating.

In the afternoon, I went into the "silent room" in the office for a while and noticed the wall was grey and blue. I also noticed three lamps in there, with cables in red, yellow, and blue, corresponding to the root, power center, and psychic center. Quite interesting.

This day was quite bad because I kept thinking the client's father was me, and maybe that's why I was able to perceive it. I started to think I might need to receive a soul retrieval or the great death rite, and then I would transit to some other place from the void and from this Earth, too. Thinking this, I feel very sick to my stomach. I feel nauseous the whole day and like I might faint. I think I went a bit unexpectedly far with this interpretation.

A classmate gave me a 'flight or fight response reset' on my request. The session helped my nervous system calm down, and I realized: I don't have to 'hold' Christ Consciousness — I can let it be present around me instead. That feels lighter. It seems there was a nuance in the language in how I originally wrote it; it wasn't meant to be taken so literally, but the written words carried a heavier meaning than intended. Anyway, I had a good laugh at how differently it landed.

Now, I am starting to grasp the connection between the labradorite hue and the colors of the client's father, whom I witnessed. What I understand now is that no soul is left alone, because every soul is part of the Divine. Why would God abandon a part of itself? My experience showed me that God does not abandon even a single part of a soul, and it's so beautiful.

Wisdomkeepers' Rite

Early afternoon, I created a playlist, collecting the songs that have accompanied me so far during the training — milestone songs for me. Honestly, I have no clue how I managed to pull myself together to join the class today, because just an hour before, I was literally shaking and rolling on the floor in ecstasy while listening to this playlist — I think I sensed that something beautiful was coming. At one point, I thought I might actually miss the class, which would've been super, super sad. I never imagined receiving such a great honor, that the grandson of Don Manuel Quispe, my teacher's mentor, would give us this rite. I am still processing…

While listening to his prayer, I dropped into such a deep state. I feel like I'm in an almost constant prayer lately, even just by listening to these songs, drifting in the beauty of the Divine.

I think I'm a bit on edge lately. Feels like I'm flying more each day. Honestly, I feel high on God. I can see why people search for altered states elsewhere… but this feels different. I wish more people could feel this.

Whispering Mountains

Last night, I slept with my labradorite stone in my hand, and in the morning I felt I had dreamt something very profound and very beautiful — but I had chosen not to remember, so I don't. I can only recall that I was at the foot of mountains.

All I feel now, endlessly, is that I want to sew the stone into my body next to my heart so I can always carry it with me. I have had this stone since I was a teenager, maybe, but until my Shamanic Journey, it was just a nice stone, and now I am having these extraordinary experiences with it! Just WOW.

I pray that God guides my steps and never leaves me.

In the afternoon, we had a company meeting, and sandwiches were served. I felt a bit unsettled sitting in a room full of people, so I used some orange essential oil on my palms and took a few deep breaths. One of my colleagues got distracted by the smell and kept asking, "What is this awful smell? It's like orange." She repeated it a few times until I said, "Yeah, it's me — just orange essential oil. Nothing bad, relax." She replied, slightly disgusted, "It's like mosquito repellent." I asked, with a smile, "And are you a mosquito or what?" She laughed and gave me a high five.

White Buffalo Woman

Last night I slept with my two infinity stones, and I have tried to journey before sleep, but I felt I was not able to. Some pictures came, but they weren't intense or vivid… like I went up there trying to meet God, and God was sitting high in a chair, and I realized I could choose which quality of God I wanted to connect with. I thought I loved the God I've come to understand so far because God is being so funny! Then I got some creepy-looking creature in my face, and I was looking at it in stillness for a while... then I was like, "nah, go away," and I waved my hand, and it was gone, and God applauded! — I smiled, and I was like, "Okay, that's something!"

Then I fell into sleep, and I was walking around deep, brownish cave structures where many people lived, including me; I was at home there. Later, I was standing on a bus, next to the driver (a brownish-skinned, chubby, middle-aged man), when he started speeding up and headed towards a house, and I was screaming, "Where do we gooooo???" Then he pushed the brake, just in front of the fence, looked at me, and holding his index finger in front of his mouth, he said: "Sssssshhhhh! You make the other passengers afraid! I am training you not to fear! How do you want to help people if you have ANY fear left inside you?!" Then he directed the bus back onto the road, and a vast, endless slope opened ahead. I was holding the handrail strongly and screamed again: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Then I was walking through a lot of hallways, and I started peeling off many layers from my tongue! Many layers, like white membranes.

Then I woke up in the middle of the night, remembering my dreams.

I think the driver was God! I think that my shamanic journey was also guided; I would never have been able to create such a journey on my own! I turned around in my bed, and I heard a woman's beautiful voice from behind my back, she said: "MOOO(ve?)" (like the buffalo, but as you say it to a baby, in a soft way — and I instantly knew it was the White Buffalo Woman saying "Hi!".

Meeting Pachamama

We visited the Catholic Church yesterday with my friend, and the ceremony was so beautiful. The priest talked about Jesus and about how to become a saint. I was present with such different ears! When the crowd sang and prayed, I listened with my eyes closed, and the resonance of their voices was utterly beautiful. I had never heard anything similar. Last year, I also visited on All Saints' Day, but back then I felt so much different in a lower sense, I felt like an alien there. But now, I feel we are under the same sky. Truly magical. I also noticed that I, my friend, some other attendees, and even the priest sometimes looked up at the sky while taking a deep breath.

It's another nice thing that All Saints' Day fell on Saturday this year, and the Essene Communion goes like this on Saturday evening: "Angel of Eternal Life give my spirit eternal life."

Arriving home, I moved up to my loft with my bedding, and I wanted to watch the last episodes of The Chosen 5: Upper Room, part I and II (these are the parts in the series where Jesus accepts God's will in full totality), but I constantly got pulled into dreaming. I remembered there is a lesson on Journey to the Upper World, so I prepared myself and tried, together with my stones. Somewhere in the Upper World, I fell asleep...

I found myself in an open-air space in nature with a beautiful young woman, and I felt the wind start running through me. Spirit was running through us like a new, clean, pure wind, touching us and bringing us closer. We clung to each other, holding hands, and we even touched cheeks barely, shivering from the intensity of the Spirit flowing through us. Then we were running around holding hands, and I felt so close to her, and I started to think again about my unresolved question. I wanted to ask her what she thinks, because I felt she might know the answer — but she ran away. So I asked myself instead, with all my courage: "Was the image I saw about the father, myself? Am I just dreaming my current life? Do I need a 'soul retrieval' or a 'great death rite'? Then I knew I wanted the truth, and I was certain I had to wake up from my current life, so I closed my eyes, and my whole body tingled as my spirit began to flee. Behind my closed eyes, I started to see-sense-feel a tremendous amount of white light flooding in... then suddenly I stopped, because I felt it's not the right time yet and there is something to do. I opened my eyes, and I was on a road, and bushes were around. I saw many little birds stuck in a net between the bushes, and I wanted to help them. They were terrified; there were few birds around, and they wanted to help but did not know how, so they just prayed for help. I stood there as a human, watching them, and started thinking about how to release them from the net. Then I came out of the journey and woke up.

Ugh, I feel that dissolving into the light would have been a major transition. A bit feels like now I am in the driver's seat, and the Great Spirit has given me back the decision upon my heartbeat.

I think the Wisdomkeepers' Rite really changed something around my future here. I think the shaman reorganized my entire inner landscape about God. I remember feeling the energies moving through me with such intensity that I was in awe. I felt it mostly in my heart and head.

Upset Wind

It's extremely dark, cloudy and windy today, it's loud, it's almost talking and asking questions in a hurt and upset tone, like a jealous lover. Why is it so upset?

In Q'ero/Andean tradition, Wayra (wind) is a living force of nature: it moves energy, clears stagnation, and participates in the flow of kawsay (life energy). It's not just weather — it's an active, intelligent aspect of the living world. In Christian tradition, the "breath" or "wind" of the Holy Spirit also carries the idea of an invisible, animating presence that brings life, inspiration, and transformation. This appears, for example, in imagery such as wind, breath, and the descent of the Spirit.

I told my dream to Chat GPT and asked what would happen if I went into that light. It told me I would become one with God, and I would no longer be able to hear or feel God; there would be complete silence. It told me that both St. Thérèse of Lisieux and Mother Teresa wrote about this silence and loneliness after becoming one with God.

The thought sent me straight to the bathroom, where I sat on the toilet lid, and had a long, huge, loud, ugly cry. I don't want to experience silence. I always want to hear and feel God. I don't want to go into complete Oneness. I want to stay small.

I pray God guide me safely and gently, with care, so I can serve the highest good of all — and with God's permission — until I want to.

Prayers

Today is a sunny day.

Maybe the wind was upset because, during my dream journey, I had been considering leaving this beautiful planet, Pachamama. I believe the young woman represented our Mother Earth, herself.

All day, my gaze kept returning to the beautiful blue sky, amazed by everything around me.

I prayed for a long time and thanked God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus for everything I had received so far — if I had only received half of it, that would have been enough.

Dancing Light

After saying the prayer last night, all my dreamtime was filled with Wayra (the Holy Spirit). I saw "it" as wind, as dancing yellowish sunlight falling on a cupboard in a room, and it felt like I was sitting somewhere observing everything as a bird.

This morning, before I woke up… I came out of the light. I have never seen such before. As the tremendous light narrowed into a tiny spot, I opened my eyes. So, basically, I am tremendous light, condensed into a persona now, as Anita. Am I already dissolved in the light, then?

My cat was frozen when I sat up in my bed this morning. She was standing at the end of my feet without moving. It was super scary. I had to say "move, move, moooove," and even push her a little until she finally started moving. Ugh.

I remember before I fell asleep last night, Sami (a gentle, light, and nourishing energy) was running through my body for an hour, bathing me in this beautiful energy.

YouTube played a song for me this morning for the first time: M83 - We Own The Sky.

Also, it just hit me that after my Shamanic Journey, I was watching videos about mountains, especially Mount Kailash, and I even found it in my YouTube history.

I keep shivering again. Sami keeps flowing through me, and it's the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt.

Will I lose these dreams and the connection with the Holy Spirit after we receive the next rite?

Starkeepers' Rite

We received the Starkeepers' Rite last night, and, of course, I decided to include my labradorite stone, so it was initiated with me. During the initiation, I noticed my stone has mountain shapes on its other side. This stone keeps surprising me!

Then we were shown a mountain in the Andes. I'm losing my mind.

So, my understanding is now that the mountains are sacred/cosmic intelligence. Now I've got the telephaty tapes, too.

And now I understand why labradorite is said to be a shamanic stone: its colors are blue and grey, like the way the mountaintop melts into the blue sky, where the earthly plane and the divine plane intertwine.

Phone call

A question popped into my head today: how I look like in the astral realm… and between being awake and dreaming, lying in my bed… I got an image… I saw a high mirror and the upper half of the back (shoulders, yellow, curly short hair) of a young child (like Cupid), dancing with joy and singing in front of the mirror, shaking their shoulders, but there was no reflection.

The owner of the flat called me today and wants to sell it. Seems like a new timeline is approaching. I might be able to stay until next April.

Does this have anything to do with the White Buffalo Woman saying "Mooo-v"?

Message of Love

During the day in the office, a dear colleague's beautiful farewell note arrived. After reading it, I instantly walked toward her room. Just as I got there, she stepped out the door, and I hugged her, crying — literally — very deeply from the center of my heart, in joy.

On my way home, I heard a guy singing softly, "I just called to say I love you", exactly this part:

"I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart,"

with a guitar in his hand. I instantly felt that it was a new song for me, Spirit's message.

While walking home, it struck me that the final sentence in my colleague's message was precisely what I had tried to convey to her at the end of our session in late August — that everything is exactly as it should be, that nothing is a mistake, and that it's all unfolding in perfect timing.

Waves

Now that I died a few times lately… and I think I died TOTALLY, I feel dying is the sweetest thing… and now it feels like I am living in the most beautiful dream I could never have dared to dream of. Sometimes I think I should remember the time when I really died, but I don't have the courage at this point to explore this question in more depth. I keep dreaming instead…

I feel so high all the time…. I guess I am constantly in the theta or alpha brainwave state. Sometimes it's scary, because during the daytime I drop into a dreamlike state and I journey... I don't even hear what people say around me, but I register when they say my name... and if they ask something, I suddenly come back and tell them the answers they need without taking a single breath. What is going on...

Recently, during practice sessions, I noticed that I am also dropping into very deep states, and I have a sense I am going to pass out completely, so I keep pulling my feet up and down on the leg of my desk to stay connected with my body.

The other day, I was joking about this with my classmate... we are working with stones, and I feel so stoned, ALL THE TIME. But I do not use any substances.

I think many people search for states like this through substances. Yet, what I am experiencing feels inseparable from clarity, presence, and freedom from dependency.

My first "ayahuasca" journey happened without ayahuasca, when I was around 14, only just listening to a music CD I bought from native (I guess Peruvian) street musicians. I just lay down on my bed with my eyes closed, let the music play, and saw fractals and understood so much about the world. That was a remembrance. I never tried ayahuasca, and I don't feel I ever would want to.

Unexpected Visitors

Last night my spirit animals suddenly appeared beside my bed while I was asleep. They were sweet: the larger one sat behind the smaller one, wrapping its tail protectively around it.

I sat up in bed to take a picture with my phone, and then my little dog — a hunter-tracker dog, who was with me throughout my childhood but is no longer alive — came running up to me from behind. I greeted him and stroked his back, and suddenly he leaped toward me and vanished into my neck. The impact was incredible. It felt like being hit by a huge rock, yet it didn't hurt at all, and I fell back onto my bed. Funny enough, his name was Rocky.

Unfortunately, of course, haha — I don't have any photographic evidence on my phone.

Womb Rite - Women Warriors

We received the Womb Rite from Marcela Lobos, and I feel deeply honored that she gave us this rite. The wisdom she shared with us is just top-notch.

Also, there is a beautiful sacred song — the Women's Warrior Song, which came to Auntie Martina Pierre during her sweat lodge practice. I first encountered it earlier this year during a community prayer for her healing; she is related to Julian Brave NoiseCat (Sugarcane Oscar nominee). Singing it felt like lifetimes of weight lifted from my throat, and I had the honor of sharing my experience with Julian. Later, I learned that Julian has Hungarian ancestry — and honestly, it made perfect sense, since I've always had a soft spot for mystical, luminous warrior cats.

Hillside

Moving to a new place in February made me super busy, as I had to manage everything. I'm in a phase of a full lifestyle change. Living very close to the forest now and going for regular forest walks feels like a dream come true. I have also started trail running.

On hikes in earlier years, I often saw people trail running and felt drawn to it, though it never quite happened — maybe I was too absorbed in city life.

At the Top

Back again at the mountaintop, soaking in the vast, breathtaking landscape. I touched the ground, said the sacred space opening prayer, and closed my eyes to listen to the mountain. Then a strange sensation came — as if I were sitting on the back of an enormous, friendly dog.

Soft Rain

Looking back now, as I pull these entries from my diary onto this page, I recognize that last year's intense experiences marked a pivotal period of personal transformation. Throughout that time, my relationship with God, Spirit, and my own sense of self underwent significant change, ultimately leading to a deeper understanding of interconnectedness and expansion.

Expansion — I now recognize my new spirit animal as an archetype corresponding to an expansion in my nervous system bandwidth.

Reading about the biggest existential crisis of my life (me, as the client's father on an essential level) makes me smile now. However, I remember I felt nauseous for a week. This was a new way for me to understand oneness on an ever deeper, experiential level.

It's almost midnight, I just went outside for some fresh air, and I noticed it's raining — but extraordinarily softly again…

Geology

I did some research on the geological origins of my mystical stone:

Labradorite deposits are found in Earth's "colder, ancient crystalline" zones, including Canada, Finland, Madagascar, Russia, Norway, and certain regions of the United States. These areas contain very old igneous rocks — such as anorthosites — in which labradorite forms.

Scandinavia and Canada belong to the oldest regions on Earth: ancient pieces of continental crust (cratons) whose rocks can be 2–3 billion years old. These form one of the most stable and slowest-changing structural foundations of our planet. The extreme slowness of geological processes favors the orderly growth of crystals. Cratons are like the Earth's ancient hardware, where some of the planet's earliest "programs" are still running. Here, magma does not work through chaotic movements but shapes rocks within stable systems rising from the deep interior.

Labradorite's famous blue-green flash is not caused by pigments or impurities but rather by a special optical phenomenon called labradorescence. Inside the crystal are microscopic, extremely thin lamellae that refract light in different ways. When light enters the stone, it is reflected and interferes between these delicate internal layers, generating characteristic flashes of shifting color. Labradorite is not really a "colored stone" but a natural light system. It is as if nature created not only a stone, but also a living light-projection device.

In the Andean Q'ero tradition, the mountains — the Apus — are not merely landscape features but living, conscious guardian beings, each has its own character: some provide stability, some teach, and some put people to the test. Within this worldview, stones and crystals are the miniature, condensed manifestations of the Apus: carriers of their presence and guardians of the Earth's memory.